Tina felt very depressed today. so she's still not willing to leave the office and it's already 8pm. at least there're some coworkers around with her, not like back to her room on her own. she couldn't think any special reason that made her so depressed. perhaps her favorite harry potter being translated by different people this time which turned the book into an adult fiction and get even harder to read in chinese. perhaps everyone in the office seems always busy but only her got not much work to do so she's not comfortable with it. perhaps her friends are all busy while she's off work so she felt a bit being ignored. perhaps her cute 'activity partner' couldn't make time for her so she's a bit oppressed. perhaps the dinner box that office ordered tasted horrible...

tina didn't cry on mrt, only got something welled up in the eyes at her cube world.

YA!!!!! i got my biz card today!!! at last!! i'm so excited!!!:D
Anyone who'd like to get one, feel free to drop me a message! first 10 people can get the one with my signature on it!:P

It seems that we're back to love topic again. ok you want love i give you love. today i was singing ktv with my college pal, his gf, and his coworker, we had a crazy time 'racing' our voice and playing 'voice mimic game'--name a singer in each paragraph and mimic the way he/she sings. this whole ktv thing would only be really fun with local mates in similar age group, as we grew up with same songs. so i started to think if i should just find a local guy who got good voice and likes ktving to date with. my pal promised to hook me up with one of his coworkers who's also his good friend and looking. it should be an exciting news and good sign to me right? but a strong voice in my mind kept saying, no no, i don't want any serious relationship! what the hack... tina don't want anything serous!? isn't it what tina keeps looking and desperate for? no no, she needs a man, but not love nor relationship. she's held back and stop being aggressive to grab love. she even thinks love is a harmful game, once joining in, few could withdraw without a wound. well, she just got involved in it too much and deeply before. she needs some time to re-examine it.

So don't tell me how you grew up what you've done in life what you like/dislike how many girls you've ever dated.... i don't have any space for your background in my head and i don't feel like knowing more about your private life. if we're happy hanging out together then we can do it more often. we can exchange our thoughts about movies, people, life, work, travelling...etc, but stay in certain distance of mind and never try to influence any of us. this would be the safer way for me and i did tell every guy i recently met about this. friendship is friendship, casual date is casual date, sex is sex, and no relationship please. not at the moment.

You understand what i'm trying to say? The emotional freedom! that the emotion wouldn't be changed by anyone but well-controlled by yourself. that you satisfy certain needs by looking for the solution but not buying a cow or a farm for milk. at this point i finally got to know why some people can live happily but some can't, cuz they're not willing to cut off the wrong/bad connection neither set their emotion free! at this point i got to appreciate all of my friends around this globe, so whenever i feel lonely i could always get a person to 'flirt' with. hehe!;)

Today is a confessing day. I haven't gone out dating or 5 months. which means i've remained single, on my own, for 5 months. it's not the longest empty for me tho, but since i 'grew up' it's considered as a record. the problem is, i'm kinda used to my single life, or say, enjoying in it. more specifically speaking, i seem not to feel like involving in affection stuff any more, at least at the moment. i'm still desperate for a bf, but i seem to be able to wait a bit. i'm pretty surprised at the way i've changed. the biggest difference is when hanging out with a terribly cute guy i even wanted to remain the friendship only instead of getting into something more. i think i must have gotten some problem. yes, i started to date my work!

So here i gotta tell you guys something. i got this 5 year plan in my mind. some of you might worry if my next plan after 5 years would be too late to start, i worry too. but afterall i'm not young any more, things can't restart over again can they? anyway, i have this idea in mind that i'll get a manager position, or a team leader, in 5 years. why do i like to be a manager? well, it's not because i like managing people, but managing work. i like to get things organized or done under my control. i like to assign work to those who have talent or professional skills and see they achieve their goals with joys. i got too many talented intelligent friends who're not doing what they're good at or happy with, and i kinda feel like rescuing them. haha... sounds crazy/silly isn't it?

so that's my goal... what will i do after i get it? i don't know, probably once i know how it tastes like i'd just quit, then go back to family being a house wife having several babies.

some thoughts share with you.

Ok, gotta do something for this blog, as there's a new reader coming up to comment which made me aware that i have certain responsibility to keep it fresh and alive. So what have i been up to these 'invisible' days? well, pretty much like what i'm doing and how i feel right now, running around/staring at computer screen for my baby work, and get extremely exhausted with sore shoulders aching head vague eyes and grumbling stomach. yet not really feel like leaving the office even till 7pm. soon after people getting off work the whole office gets quiet and peaceful, so the mind would become clearer even if the body's almost worn out. despite of work some good things eventually come up in the life so the days get more colorful and exciting. not much to write now cuz the power is going to die out....

The old stuff has been there for days but my passion still hasn't come back yet. i guess i lost it somewhere sometime. i couldn't remember how that happened, perhaps caused by somebody's words, tight life pace, occupied mind, or a dormant heart. leaving these lines here just tells everyone i'm still alive, peacefully.

Now i finally started to appreciate those who'd been chasing his/her gf/bf for years and at last got a happy result and still being happy together. we used to laugh at them and suggested not paying too much either time or energy to chase or wait someone who those don't even know if he/she is their right half to love back, but the evidence shows some of them have been in marriage for a while and some even got several tiny copies. although some are still trying at least they got another person to fight/argue/share/talk/sleep/laugh with. the whole process makes those aware of their exsistance by the acceptance from their lovers, and it's stable and at least hygienic. oh yeah, you can comment to my mental situation or me this person or whatever you like to comment, i just want to address here that, i'm going back to my emotionally-neat world, appreciating old-style love stories, and doing my unreal romantic dreams again. i'm ultimately not one of you even if i don't think what you guys do is wrong and tried to be more flexible and to adapt to your culture. but for conscience sake sometimes you just can't do things which you don't feel comfortable with isn't it?

Go to somewhere else if you have any judgement to this post.

Shit!! why this guy always pick on me? a good boss should be in the way that to ask his members if they had breakfast yet so they can work energetically and in good health INSTEAD OF disciplining them not eat at desk but go eat at dinning room downstairs instead! it's merely a bread with no smell and oily stuff why can't i have it and work simutaniously?? why this stupid pervert always picks on me at the starting of my day??? dammit!

There's been ages not having typhoons here. while tonight one comes with double 'eyes' and is going to across this island thru middle mountains. inside the house you can hear violent wind slaming your door and windows and the rain pouring randomly on your roof, while sometimes everything would go quiet down as if the world stops rolling. naughty like us would open a bit of window looking out to the streets and sidewalks covering by soaked leaves branches or trashes and get certain inexplicable excitement. so how's a typhoon night like? tumultuous outside while always peaceful in the house.

Wish we could get a day off tomorrow.:P

Tell you what, there're some very nice and friendly people in my office, there're narrow minded ones too tho. and what the worst is some out of them just right in my team. so here comes my destiny, that i'd be allocated with them in a group for bbq or games in company outing, i'd have to dinner out or hang out for fun with them once something good happens in my team eg. our team leader got promoted to manager, and i'd need to talk to them sometimes for work coordination. even if i'm trying very hard to show my warmness/friendship/kindess/tolerance to them but it hardly works as they've got certain bias toward people out of their group and no matter how hard i've been trying it's no way for me to get into their circle. this makes me frustrated and upset. i don't care if i can be one of them, but what i do care is the groupuscule would definitely affect the quality and efficiency of work and the operation of the whole organisation as the personal preference controls decision making in those small communities. one of them always gave me a dirty look with no reason since the first day i've been introduced to the team, others are ok just haven't seen me as one of the team members. at first several weeks i smiled and chatted relaxedly to each of them but seldom got friendly response back so now i'm kinda giving up. the best policy is that business is business, i do my best at work with them but if they want to mix personal emotion in it it'd never be my business. oh god... i just wish i don't have to talk to them.

So i actually kept telling myself, if you want people to be nice to you, be nice to them first. nothing'd loss anyway that you keep smiling to them no matter what they do to you. and if you could get through this challenge that holds back your self-esteem, you'd be the ultimate winner. i kept controlling myself, the mood the temper and the attitude, so as to avoid things turning out to be even worse. yeah... smiling to them!